What kind of mom would I have been to my mom? If this was a different universe. I would have moved across the world, endured war, and sacrificed myself to raise her. I would have allowed her to travel the world on her own. Party with her friends and experience the most beautiful parts of life. I would have picked up the little pieces left behind by fresh heartbreak and put her back together with all my love. I would have shared my heart with her but nothing too painful to where it hurt hers. I would have been exactly as she was to me.
I had a dream recently of my mom after mild heartbreak. I forgot to follow my own rules of conditional love. Oh well. In the dream I was watching the best of Shah Rukh Khan and the song Nimbooda from Devdas was on. I was sitting on the floor with my arm and chin on the arm of the couch. Then I realized that my head wasn’t on the arm of the couch but on my mother’s lap. She was doing her shoulder dance and I was enjoying her joy and company. Then all of the sudden I was irritated and started sobbing. I asked her if she could stay, she wouldn’t say no but said she would go make me some food and walked away. I woke up crying and my pillow was wet. Even in my dreams I can’t pretend. I’ve never had a semi-conscious dream like this and it was unsettling. Maybe my mom is visiting me or maybe my heart keeps leaking the love I hold for her.
Life is getting on and people are right back to who there were before this major shift in our lives. The people closest to her are forever changed but everyone is back to normal. I have changed. I am setting up boundaries and finding it less tolerable to accept bullshit.
I have a major itch to move and leave everything behind. It’s time to take a solo trip and get clear about what I want and where I want to go in life. I just got back from San Juan and off to NOLA this week. Will post my second to last grief series soon.