So maybe my mom was my moral compass or maybe she was the re-enforcement of guilt to keep me from my darker side. I don’t know but I do know that I saw glimpses of my former behavior from when my grandma passed. The holidays are tough as hell and this isn’t even my holiday. But we always have this time off from work or school and last year I stayed with my mom the whole time. I am finding my parent’s house slightly intolerable. I feel overwhelmed and I am not even going over to my dad’s as much.
I have a lot of feelings and emotions right now that I have not been able to make sense of and feel jumbled in my head. This blog is becoming a fucking diary and I don’t care.
I have found that I am filling my time and not necessarily taking a break to process my grief. This only adds to the confusion in my brain.
As before, I am so grateful for my mom and dad. They were not perfect but they taught me unconditional love. And that foundation will stay with me forever. They made me into this resilient and loving person. But the cost of loving is losing.
For anyone reading this, it’s okay to have nothing to give and take a moment to recharge. Don’t add guilt into the equation to make it worse for yourself. The only unsolicited advice I can give is don’t live in the nothingness. Find it in you to move forward after your re-charge. I don’t know if this make sense or if I threaded any coherent thoughts. I acknowledge that we all come from different baselines and therefore see and experience the world differently. At the end of the day, we need to be our biggest fan, lover, supporter, and hype man. Because everything else is temporary.
But there you have it!