I got her the honor roll bumper sticker. I was MVP in Rugby. I was All-State in Basketball. I achieved career success. I wanted to make her proud and it never felt like enough. I couldn’t verbalize my gratitude for her sacrifice because the feelings were overwhelming. She gave up everything for me. I feel like I was the worst daughter. I was angry, lost, and depressed when she was still here. I couldn’t accept that my mom was sick and unable to have the relationship I wanted. Yes, it’s selfish and I regret it but I can’t change it. I wish I could have enjoyed what I had instead of grieving her while she was still here. I’ve been in therapy for years leading up to my mom passing. I oscillated between wanting my independence and wanting to fix the relationship with her or a balance between both. Three months prior to my mom passing, I sat her down and explained that I needed my independence because once she is gone, I will have nothing. I can still remember her face when I said that. She was so hurt her to hear that her morality was always on my mind.
I am barely three months in and I have a new wave of grief. I slept for 15 hours yesterday. I could not get myself up and I have never been like this. I feel like I am backsliding but grief isn’t linear. I recently went on a trip out of the country and it was my first big experience without her. It set-off a new wave of sadness because life is going on without her. I am desperately seeking ways to honor her and her legacy. Do I start a non-profit on healthy eating for South Asian? Do I write a story about what an immigrant gives up to build a life here? I am very lost right now but reading back on my last post, I know it will get better.
For anyone going through grief, I see you and I feel your pain. Keep your head up.