I’ll jump right in because nothing matters anymore. I will say that I have easier days now despite my opening line. Month one was horrible. The first 40 days were agony. In Islam we believe we have 40 days to assist the person we lost by atoning for their earthly sins. It’s beautiful really. It’s also a weird sense of duty, connection, and sadness because she was always on my mind and the pressure to pray for her was so present.
There are longer days between the painful waves of Grief. The newest addition to the Grief is watching my loved one who are on a different grief cycle. My dad is perma-sad, my brother is in his lair and fully engulfed in his studies, my sister can’t catch a break to breakdown, my aunt is doing her best to be strong and her motherly sense to take care of us kicked in, and my nephews can’t put words to their Grief.
And of course, most people don’t care about your Grief at this point. It’s last seasons sadness. This sounds cruel, and it is, but it is to make you aware because it can feel hurtful. At the end of the day, the relationship with the person you lost is as private as the Grief you hold. No one but the two of you know the ins and outs of the relationship. Hang on to the love and don’t expect people who didn’t know the person you lost to care for too long.
The biggest hope right now are my waves of clarity and the idea to “honor her” isn’t as painful as it was a couple weeks back. More to come on that.
To anyone starting this journey, I see you and I love you. One day at a time.