Am I a clinical psychopath? I am not qualified but the girl next to at the coffee shop is a med student and can maybe help me out. I have no feelings about the loss right now. I am avoiding people in visible grief and trying to put myself first. As a second-gen, I constantly feel guilt when I do anything for myself and believe it is selfish and shitty. Obviously, I need to treat myself like a trashcan so others can feel better and nothing changes. But let me tell you, OPRAH is in my ear and talking to me about things like ‘filling my cup’ and ‘self-love’ and other things. The hardest part about investing in myself is that I know my family wants me to be happy but we are such a collective that anything against the grain is no bueno.
Back to my mom. It’s been six whole months and I went into grief with the idea that I will somehow grow from this loss after I understand that I no longer have my mom. I created a daily ritual dedicated to her and prayer. I do Fajr namaz each morning and cry for her. I ask Allah to help me learn to love myself in this new part of life and give my dad a long life. I listen to motivational speeches about focus and ‘letting go’. I ask Allah to help me understand where I am wrong and grow from it. The biggest growth for me is finding my connection back to Allah on my terms without the guilt my parents instilled in me through the concept of ‘obligation’.
I’ve had this draft for about two weeks hoping to be inspired or feel different than I did when I first wrote this post. I don’t. I feel medium about life right now. I know the only thing to do is the hard work. Focus on my goals and get the fuck on.