Happy birthday to me, I don’t have a mom anymore. Poor taste, but I am still leaving it here because I am sad and I will do whatever I want.
This birthday is hard because I am focused on what I have lost. I lost my grandma 16 years ago two days before my 22 birthday. I lost my unborn nephew in early April. That was the first time I had to arrange a funeral and sign the papers where I got to write down for the first time that I am an aunt. It was on his death certificate. I lost my grandpa in early-April in 2019. One of the last things he said was he shouted for me and asked that I stay close. And it’s coming up on a year with my mom in late-April. The 30 days around my birthday are hard to see as joyful. I celebrate myself plenty of times throughout the year. I am considering re-locating my birthday to the summer. What do you think?
It’s getting harder to post about grief not only because it’s coming up on a year but because it’s no longer a daily sadness but giant waves of grief with calm days in-between. And as it comes up to the monthly mark, I sometimes don’t want to think about it. And it’s Ramadan, which is another very isolating time for me. I don’t have Muslim friends, so I am away from my loved ones this time of year. Yes, I am feeling very sorry for myself right now. This is my catalyst to move toward some motivation.
I cry about her daily and I am not sure if I am processing it or ruminating in it. The startling sadness when it first happened is gone and now it’s dealing with what is left. I will say for the first time, I am trying to figure out what I want out of life as it is now. The previous 10-months have been understanding what I lost. Now I am leaning toward ‘how do I carry on?”
When I was in middle school, I had a friend who sort of changed her personality continuously with the trends in the ‘independent’ culture or non-conformist-conformists. And as we got older, she changed her personality every time she dated someone. She would taken on their traits and it was confusing for us because we didn’t know who we were friends with because their personality changed so often. We were assholes and used to call her ‘phase girl’ because she kept re-inventing herself. As I got older, I realized why she did it. There is no guide or book or one-size-fits-all method to figure out what makes us content with our choices. The only way is to the motivation and courage to keep trying new things. My middle school friend just got a head start on us.
My BFF got me a bucket list journal and I think it’s time to be disciplined and working toward some goals.
I have hired a career coach, took a few courses on tarot, and just finished up yoga teacher training. I’d like to explore it more and share the process with you.