Holy fuck shit. I thoughts I was only 9-months into this prison sentence. But it’s 10-months. Wait, it’s only 9-months. I think I am disassociating. One good thing, I have cut back on all the shit I am doing and for the first day in months, I sat on my ass for hours and watched Netflix.
I am also recognizing relationships that not only do not serve me but drain me. I don’t like the idea of viewing people for their utility for my personal growth. However, if you drain my energy, you can get the fuck on.
The last time I cried in front of my dad, I told him that I have to live the rest of my life without my mom and the tears just flowed. He did not cry with me this time. He got up and washed his hands at the kitchen sink and just stared at the ground. Somehow that made me sadder, because holding back tears means were are trying to be strong and being strong means we are closer to acceptance.
I made a major misstep and made some terrible decisions but ultimately great lessons to learn. Sometimes loving too hard can blind your better judgement and you let in energy-suckers. These are people who leave you drained and contribute in no positive way in your life. Now these people may appear to offer help, but it’s not advice that actually helps and the advice is not coming from a place of genuine support. At best, its short-sighted and thoughtless. At worst, its meant to sabotage. I know I am not being clear but I let my guard down because I miss the unconditional love Allah took from me.