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Anu goes out partying instead of setting up the house for Rani’s son’s Mukko Baath and avoiding her bar exam results after her 5th attempt. The whole family comes over for the party when Anu and Danny show up drunk and the family does not let this fuck up go unnoticed.
Brenden, a 20 something man, is walking through empty Hart Plaza at night.
An alien spacecraft lands in the middle and out walks an alien with a bulge the size of Texas in his pants.
The alien walks up to Brenden, grabs his water from his hand, and grows 200 ft tall.
Brenden, staring up at the alien.
BRENDEN
What the fuck is happening?
Grabs his bulges
ALIEN
I’m, how do you say? Blessed.
BRENDEN
Your food is so chemical-filled that when we ingest it,
we instantly grow.
BRENDEN
But you drank my water.
The alien stares at Brenden with a blank expression
BRENDEN
What are you?
ALIEN
I am from the planet Sutra-dron.
I’ve been sent by my leaders to learn about the new earthly
developments in sex. Your kind is very demented.
BRENDEN
I’m a virgin.
The alien stares at Brenden with a blank face.
BRENDEN
I’ve never had sex.
The alien stares at Brenden with a blank stare and leaning it’s
head side-to-side.
BRENDEN
No penis in vagina.
ALIEN
Ah! A sword fighter!
The alien begins to take his giant penis .
BRENDEN
What? No! Please stop.
ALIEN
OH! I’ve heard of this. You’re an…umm…what is it called…ugly
lonely person!
Perfect! So, your people watch a lot of those moving erotic
photos.
BRENDEN
(Embarrassed)
You mean porn? I don’t watch that stuff
The alien winks and nudges him.
ALIEN
Your kind loves to lie about this.
BRENDEN
I don’t watch it! Look, I have to go.
The alien steps in front of him.
ALIEN
Look around you! Your world is incredibly sexual!
Walks up to the giant ring on Jefferson south of Hart Plaza.
ALIEN
Look at this cock ring!
The alien tries to hump it but he doesn’t fit.
ALIEN
(Very proud of himself)
What I say? Too big for this planet.
BRENDEN
That isn’t a giant cock ring. It’s a monument to the spirit of our city.
The Alien gives Brenden a sheepish look.
ALIEN
And look at all these buildings!
Pointing to all the buildings.
BRENDEN
People work in these buildings.
ALIEN
They can work in my…how do you say it…Mussy.
BRENDEN
What?
ALIEN
Man pussy.
BRENDEN
These buildings are not your dildos!
ALIEN
Everything is a dildo if you try hard enough.
BRENDEN
You will not insert any building into anything.
I don’t think I can help you.
The alien steps in front of Brenden again and bends down and
gets right in his face.
ALIEN
Listen, you ugly virgin! I know you watch pom. Now tell me about
it!
BRENDEN
It’s porn.
ALIEN
SEE!
BREDEN
I really can’t help you.
The alien gets closer to his face.
Nose to nose with Brenden
Brenden types into his phone and sounds of porn emanate from the
phone.
Ext-Rally outside entertainment venue-Detroit-Day
A group of women are outside of the venue protesting Louis CK’s
performance.
Hannah, late 20s cis female, starts the crowd off in a vigorous
chant.
HANNAH
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Louis CK has got to go!
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Louis CK has got to go!
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Louis CK has got to go!
To her left appears another group of women joining the protest.
Betty, mid-30s woman, looks Hannah up and down for a moment. Hannah smiles at her, and Betty beings
her chant.
BETTY
Ain’t no power like the power of a man, cuz the power of a man is right
Hannah’s group of women continue their chant but are quick
drowned out by the women joining Betty.
WO-MANIST (ALL TOGETHER)
Ain’t no power like the power of a man, cuz the power of a man is right.
Ain’t no power like the power of a man, cuz the power of a man is right
Hannah and her group of chanters begin to slow down.
HANNAH
(To Betty)
Who are you guys?
Betty steps in front of everyone before she begins to speak.
BETTY
(To the audience)
We are here to shed light on a great depravity in our society.
The family structure is crumbling all around us and Women like
(Points to Hannah and her crew)
You stand out here, unattended, protesting this man while all he
is trying to do it make a living.
We are the Wo-maninist’s of Detroit.
(Shouting)
We are the true feminist of America.
Not them.
Women for men!
Betty turns to her woman and begins another chant
BETTY
(Shouting)
What do we want?
WO-MANINIST CHANTERS
(Shouting response)
To make your dinner
BETTY
When do we want it!
WO-MANINIST CHANTERS
Ready for you, when you come home!
HANNAH
Stop! We never said we are feminist. Many of the people here
don’t identify with hetero-normative conventions.
We don’t think its right to celebrate someone who abuses
perceived power like Louis CK did.
BETTY
Abuse power? He is a man. He IS power.
Will you not stop until every structure in our society comes
crumbling to the ground, men are at the mercy of a women’s
menstrual cycle, and America is now American-istan?
HANNAH
Oh wow.
That’s a lot to unpack.
We just want our voices heard like you.
Hannah turns back to her people and begins to protest again.
HANNAH
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Louis CK has got to go!
Hey, hey, ho, Ho—
BETTY
(Cuts off Hannah)
Hey, hey, ho, ho, cancel culture has got to go!
Hey, hey, ho, ho, cancel culture has got to go!
HANNAH
(Louder thank Betty)
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Louis CK has got to go!
Hey, hey, ho, ho, Louis CK has got to go!
Hey, –
BETTY
(Cuts off Hannah)
Ain’t no party like a wo-maninist party, because a wo-maninist
party has dick!
HANNAH
(to Betty)
What are you doing?
There is room for both our views.
BETTY
(Shouting, chanting)
You suck!
You suck!
You suck!
HANNAH
That’s it!
The ladies all starting fighting.
DEMOCRACY NOW NEWSCASTER
And that is the reason for the cancelation of Louis CK’s show
in Detroit.
Lady Intellectuals of Detroit
BAD AUNTIES
BY
NAZNEEN MIAH
INT-ROOM-DAY
Three Mid-40s south Asian women in similar bedazzled sari’s and
matching giant red bindi’s enter a wedding hall with confidence
and judgement.
Pinky, the leader of the pack, walks up to a young female
wedding guest and stares him down until he gets so uncomfortable
that he leaves.
The pack walks up to an unfortunate looking young man
and they stare him down until he wets himself.
The three women walk up to unsuspecting Zakir as he eats his dessert at a table alone.
ZAKIR
(Startled)
Oh! Salam Deva Auntie. Lucky Auntie. Oh! And Pinky auntie.
He quickly wipes his mouth, stands up to face the women,
and takes his hand to his heart and them motions at the table.
Please, sit.
PINKY
You greet your own Aunt last?
Is that what you learned when you went abroad to ‘find’
yourself?
ZAKIR
(Suspicious)
How did you know that I took a year off? The last time we saw
each other was over 7 years ago.
LUCKY
Oh beta, we know everything going on in our community. It is our
duty.
PINKY
We get updates from our Aunty emails.
ZAK
Aunty emails?
PINKY
It’s a community email that tells us what is going on with the
youth in our community and gives us tips on how to maintain the
culture.
Zakir shuffles uncomfortable and tries to motion at other guests
to come save him.
PINKY
That suit is too big for you. Looks like you got your height
from your mom’s side.
ZAKIR
(Struggling to fake enthusiasm)
It’s soooo nice to see you all are still friends.
Can I go get anybody some chai?
PINKY
Points to the cake
You think I need a diet? Only chai you offer?
ZAKIR
(Confused)
What? No!
LUCKY
Is this what you learned on your gap year? How to disrespect
your elders?
PINKY
Tell me, Zak, did you find yourself in those other people’s
temples? But you can’t pick up your own prayer rug. OH, Allah,
be merciful.
LUCKY
(Confused)
‘Find’ yourself? Where did he go?
They give out those navigation watches at the door? Oh ho, so
American now.
ZAKIR
I told my dad I would remind him to take his medication. I
should go.
PINKY
He has other children. You know, the ones that don’t leave. They
can remember.
Motions to the table
Sit.
All the ladies sit down and Zak reluctantly sits but his legs
are on the side of the table as if ready to bolt at any moment.
Pinky motions for a server to come by and says something to them.
The server brings out roti and curry.
Lucky picks up a roti and inspects it.
LUCKY
Who is the chef? My roti’s are rounder and have the shiny ghee.
Lucky discard’s the roti
PINKY
Beta pass me the beef. I have the diabetes and if I don’t eat, I
will pass out. I don’t want to ruin the bride’s second marriage.
LUCKY
My son just finished his residence at DMC. Beta, where do you
work now?
ZAK
Umm…well I’ve been applying to places.
PINKY
What kind of jobs can you get with a history degree?
LUCKY
A degree in something that has already happened?
Deva pulls out a notepad and starts writing
PINKY (to Deva)
Put down a four.
ZAK
A four?
LUCKY
You didn’t answer my question.
With her hand to her head
Now you don’t listen to your elders?
ZAK
I mean, after I get a Masters…
PINKY
You haven’t finished the degree?
Deva, a 1.5
ZAK
Well, I haven’t had the time…
LUCKY
How do you expect to take care of your parents in their elder
years?
PINKY
Ah, yes. His parents. But what about his bride?
All three ladies look directly at Zak awaiting his answer
ZAK
Well, you know. I’m not really thinking about that step right
now.
PINKY
Deva, a 3.
Why, beta? Because you are not serious about your future
ZAK
No, because my girlfriend is working…
PINKY and LUCKY
GIRLFRIEND!?
PINKY
Deva!!1!
ZAK
Her name is Beth
PINKY AND LUCKY
(Astonished)
Beth?
LUCKY
(Laughing)
This is short for what? Mahmuda?
ZAK
What? No. Its short for Elizabeth. She is American, like me.
PINKY
(Full rage)
DEVA! Negative 4!
ZAK
What is with these numbers!
Zak grabs the notepad out of Deva’s hands and reads
You are ranking my standing in the culture?
This is not right.
PINKY
I’ll tell you what’s not right. You think Beth can cook the
curry you grew up on? She can teach your kids how to speak
perfect Bangla? You think you can support your spiritual
journeys if your parents cut you off? You’re history degree is
going to get you the house Beth wants without your parents
money? You need our guidance.
ZAK
My parents wouldn’t cut me off.
PINKY
Yes, they would. Because they listen to us.
Zak is sitting at the table with his mouth to the floor
LUCKY
Face it, beta. You just got brown auntie’d.
Three aunties get up to leave and Deva slaps him on their way out.
Three co-workers are lined up in the break room at lunch to warm up their food.
Todd, the first in line, is staring at his food warming up in the toaster oven.
Paul is behind him and Susan is last in line.
SUSAN
(Impatiently)
This isn’t the printer, Todd.
You can’t hog it all day.
Todd turns around to face the back of the line but directed more
toward Susan.
TODD
(Snappy)
Well Susan, early bird catches the worm.
Tell that to your timecard.
PAUL
Seriously guys. We are on lunch.
SUSAN
Don’t you have some improvement plan you need to work on, Paul?
I hope it addresses the way you dress.
TODD
What happened to you?
Smoke starts to rise out of the toaster oven.
PAUL
(slightly concerned)
Um…guys. Hey, guys.
SUSAN
I’ll tell you what happened me.
You father decided he wanted to put in the work one day, and
here you fucking are!
TODD
Jesus, Susan!
You know I work for HR.
PAUL
(Concern growing in his voice)
Guy…do any of you see this?
TODD
You want to wish my existence away because I have a lot of print
jobs?
PAUL
(Shouting)
Fire! Fire!
Todd and Susan both turn to the fire.
Susan is uninterested.
SUSAN
Did you put your pizza box in the toaster oven, Todd?
TODD
Umm, I thought it was flame resistant.
SUSAN
Yeah Todd, Pizza hut has created the first flame resistant
CARDBOARD pizza box.
Todd runs off stage and returns with a bucket of water.
He throws the bucket of water at the toaster oven and completely
misses.
The fire continues to grow.
PAUL
A little more to the left next time. Good try!
SUSAN
Okay captain understatement.
You missed that baby fire with that whole ass giant bucket of
water? And where the hell did that bucket come from?
You hiding buckets around here?
PAUL
Someone pull the box out of the toaster!
The toaster is going to catch on fire.
SUSAN
(Crosses her arms in defiance)
This isn’t my problem.
TODD
I’m scared!
Paul attempts to grab the pizza box out of the toaster but just
pulls the toaster down to the ground and now the wall catchesbr
fire.
PAUL
The wall is on fire!
SUSAN
This place sucks anyways
TODD
And where are the fire alarms.
SUSAN
That’s right! This shit hole doesn’t even have working fire
alarms.
Like they want us to die.
TODD
(laughs)
Like a 1930’s factory.
Todd and Susan laugh and realize they are enjoying each others
company for once.
SUSAN
You wanna head out of here?
TODD
Yeah. Lunch on me?
PAUL
Guys! The fire!
Todd and Susan start to head out.
SUSAN
I know this new place downtown I’m just burning to try.
Todd and Susan both laugh and leave Paul scrambling to contain
the fire.
THE GOOD MUSLIM
BY
Nazneen Miah
A Caucasian woman is sitting at the bus stop with her Caucasian toddler and a woman in a full burka (head to toe covered, nothing showing) approaches the bus stop and sits down next to them.
The Caucasian woman begins to fidget uncomfortably and tries to sit closer to the edge away from the Burka woman and pulls her kid close.
BURKA
(Friendly)
Lovely day! I just love the sun on my skin.
The Caucasian lady looks the Burka woman up and down and looks confused, because the burka woman is covered head to toe
The Caucasian continues to fidget and looks confused.
The burka woman points to the toddler
BURKA
Oh, isn’t he just adorable!
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
Listen. We would like to be left alone.
The lady in the Burka waves ‘hi’ at the toddler.
The kid jumps away and screams.
KID
AH!!!
Mommy! That tent is talking.
The Caucasian woman gets up and starts to walk away with her
kid.
BURKA
No, wait! Please don’t be scared.
I’m one of the good ones!
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
Look, I don’t know where you’re from, but in America…
Burka lady cuts her off
BURKA
See, look.
The burka lady holds out an ID-card and hands it to the woman.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
The Good Muslim Identification card issued by the United States
of America and the Federal Bureau of Investigation, Registered with the Department of Homeland Security and Facebook.
The white woman looks up from the card with skepticism
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
(Suspicious)
What the hell is this?
BURKA
We even have a badge for easy identification.
(Holds open a flap of her burka to reveal a crescent and moon
badge)
This way, when TSA, Border patrol, or the police stop us, we
don’t have to explain why we are Muslim.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
I don’t believe you.
BURKA
Google it
The Caucasian woman types into her phone. She realizes it’s truen
and looks up at the Burka woman.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
When did this happen?
BURKA
I was on my way to visit my family in Afghanistan, and I was
pulled aside by a TSA agent.
They informed me of this pilot program.
When I heard all the benefits I practically forced to sign up.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
I don’t care what group you’re a part of or what some card says.
We are out of here.
The woman grabs her kid and starts walking away but the kid
resists.
KID
Mommy, what do you always tell me? ‘love thy neighbor’?
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
That was Jesus, honey.
KID
(pointing back at Burka)
I think she needs a neighbor.
The causasian woman deliberates and comes back with her kid. She
is frustrated and sits back down next to the Burka woman.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
How does it work?
BURKA
Well, it first started with this type of retreat in the desert.
CAUSIAN WOMAN
In the desert?
BURKA
Yes, the US government believes that is the Muslims true habitat. Guess they wanted us to be comfortable.
Then they had us eat these dates that didn’t taste like any date
I’ve ever had.
They blind folded us and
took us each into separate rooms and then had us answer some survey questions.
CAUCASIN WOMAN
Okay…what kind of questions?
BURKA WOMAN
I’m not sure. It’s sort of a blur after I ate those dates.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
What’s a ‘Good Muslim’ have to do?
BURKA
Every morning, I sign into our portal and say the pledge of
allegiance with an FBI agent watching, I pray five times a day,
allow Facebook to monitor my phone activity and location,
promise to never follow sharia law, never bear arms, and then
there was something about Muslim Expansion initiative about
birth control and populations but I opted out of that.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
I would never allow the government to monitor me
BURKA
That’s the thing. They already do.
CAUASIAN
Wait…what now?
BURKA
Didn’t you just use Google? And what about those Buzzfeed quizzes?b
You just gave them a portfolio on you. Might as well
get some benefits.
And it’s not all work. I get my holidays off.
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
Even that month long one?
BURKA
Yup, but we must check in with ICE every day. And then, they
aren’t allowed to label me a terrorist. No more random
selections at the airport or any borders, we get a discount at
Walmart. And oh! We get an exclusive first look at the all black
Gucci burka line. Gucci gang!
CAUCASIAN WOMAN
Doesn’t sound so bad.
BURKA
Oh, don’t be scared. That’s John.
I’ve seen him at the DHS office. He’s one of the good ones. He
pledges to never play video games and gets a mental health
screening every month.