My mother (ama) was sick for my entire 20s. I am thankful for the time we had with her due to the medical advancement which ultimately took its toll on her body until it gave out. I am not doing okay and that is okay.
I don’t want to forget the lessons she taught me.
What I’ve learned one month in from losing my beautiful mother after a long battle with kidney diseases.
- Its amazing how much love we have in our life. My family, friends, work-family, and co-workers have shown so much love and support by reaching out and listening to me cry or sit with me in silence as I staring blankly into space. Lean on people. The loneliness will set in and remember that you have people in your life who love you and it’s not a burden to lean on them. They want to be there for you.
- Eat good food and surround yourself with people who knew your mom.
- A new stage of grief sets in when you get back into your regular routine and the check-in’s stop.
- Each member of your family will grieve differently and be there to support them.
- If you are not in therapy/counseling groups/religious support groups, find something!
- Do not seek solace in alcohol or uncommitted sex.
- Grief is not linear, you may have two good days and then five bad days. I hear it eventually stabilizes. Not there yet.
- You do not have to fake it for anyone.
- Be careful of conditional love: If you are causally dating people, this is too heavy for most, do not look for comfort in their arms unless they prove it. And it’s okay if it’s too heavy for them.
- You will still feel your loved one’s presence in your life. It’s visceral and overwhelming. I can still see my mom sitting next to me or smiling at me from across the table.
- Visit her whenever the feeling is too overwhelming and talk to her. And know that she can hear you.
- Do not dwell on regret. You will have them and don’t give it more energy than it already takes.
- Do your best to have gratitude for the time you had with her.
- Try to keep some of your rituals from when she was physically with you. For me, I used to take my mom out on Saturdays, and so I still spend time with her on Saturdays and do things we did like get tacos or local coffee.
- Cry. Let the tears fall. It’s only be a fucking month. Go easy on yourself.
- People will say dumb shit because this is a tough loss we all will likely face and don’t hold on to any anger about it. You don’t need to spend your energy on it.
- Remember that your mom will keep teaching you lessons after she is gone. The advice she gave you will come back when you need it and it’s a beautiful fucking thing.
- Move your body. Run, yoga, weights, hike, or whatever that gets your body moving.
- Do not make any big decisions about your life just yet.
- Don’t live in social media. It’s a great escape but it will consume you.
I am sure there is more but this is all the energy I have for today.
I hope you find some comfort knowing you are not alone in grieving. You are loved and not alone.